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Visiting the Dying: A Primer

Linda Watson
Posted July 2010

Visiting someone who is dying or critically ill is something most of us will face in the course of our lives. If this is such a moment for you, the following guidelines may help ensure that your visit is a benefit to both parties. These suggestions are generalized. Since every person and every relationship is unique, feel free to adapt them.

Many people feel nervous about visiting a dying person. If you feel anxious as you think about an upcoming visit, know that you are normal. After all, for most of us, it is not an everyday occurrence to visit someone who is dying. In western society at least, we do not often talk about death and are generally shielded from its realities.

Some people avoid making such visits because:

They don’t like hospitals
They have no idea what to say
They are afraid they will say the wrong thing
They fear they might get emotional
They don’t know the routines of the home or hospital they’d need to go to

While all these fears and concerns are normal, there really are reasons for making the effort. For one thing, it helps the person who is ill or dying to feel less isolated and that can be a tremendous relief to them. Your visit can also help them know that their life has mattered in the past, which can help their process at the end of life. At the same time, especially if the relationship has been a positive one, it can allow you to reinforce and even celebrate the importance of the relationship between you in the present. Important learnings can happen on both sides.

Here, then, are some suggestions of ways you might pave the way for a successful visit:

Call ahead: Whether your visit will be in the person’s home, a hospice or a hospital, find out what prime visiting times might be. You may want to contact family for guidance about the timing and length of your visit. If you are not certain and the person is very weak, plan for 15-20 minutes—a time frame you can alter if the person you are visiting encourages it.
Get comfortable: Once there, take off your coat, move a chair in close and sit to get your eyes on the same level as the person you are visiting, if you can. You can signal a sincere interest in the person you visit just by making eye contact at their level.
Be alert to medical needs: If medical personnel or family interrupt your visit to give meds or take vital signs, ask outright whether or not you should leave and then act on their direction.
Show appropriate affection: If kissing, hugging, or touching in small ways have been part of your relationship before, do include such gestures in your visit. Touch communicates so much and is often welcomed. If such gestures have not been part of your relationship previously, this may or may not be the time to introduce them. Ask: “I’d like to hold your hand. Is that okay?”
Offer casual conversation: Offering information about mutual friends, the weather, or other casual matters may be very much appreciated. Let your conversation be as natural as possible and remember that appropriate humour can be good medicine. Try to take your lead from the person with whom you are visiting, if they are able to provide that lead.
Sometimes silence is golden: Not every visit needs to be filled with words. Sometimes it is enough just to sit quietly with a friend or loved one, or perhaps to listen to music together. Do avoid conversations among visitors that do not include the person you visit.
Leave with a promise if you can: If you can honestly promise that you will be thinking of or praying for your friend, or that you will return to visit again, please say so. It can be help the person you are visiting to retain a sense of anticipation and comfort.
Talk about the visit: You may find it helpful to share your experience of the visit later with someone you trust, just to examine and process your own feelings.

With these general guidelines, you should be able to conduct a simple visit with someone who is dying—a visit you both may feel good about.

However, if you would like to be create an opportunity for a somewhat deeper exchange, you may need to be intentional about asking open-ended questions and being prepared to really listen. This kind of a conversation could be deeply meaningful for the person who is dying, although you will need to pay careful attention to discover what the other person is ready to share, if anything.

The following approaches may open the door to deeper, two-way sharing:

How are you?: If you are like many people, you may begin your visit with the conventional question of “How are you?”, to which you may receive a conventional reply of some kind. However, if you would like to take the conversation a bit deeper, you might return to that question after a time adding a little more focus to it: “So, how are you really feeling today?”, or even, “Do you feel like talking about what’s happening to you?” Listen carefully to the answer, even if it is slow in coming, and take it from there.
Ask about parts of their present experience: Open-ended questions that are genuine may take things to another level. Consider: “How did your visit with _________ go?”; “How is _________ taking all this?”; “So, what do you find yourself thinking about in here all day?”; “I’ve been praying that you’d experience some peace now—has that been possible?” Ask the question, then wait for the answer. It might come out in bits and pieces.
Offer statements about their present experience: Similar to the above, there may be times when you could make reference to a recent report or event to invite sharing: “I heard you got bad news today” or “I understand your kids will be here by the weekend”. Making the statement may invite them to finish up the thought.
Share something of your own feelings honestly: Sometimes, sharing your own feelings can help. If you are nervous and don’t know what to say, maybe you could admit that. If you’ve shed a lot of tears, confess it, even if more tears come. Sharing your feelings may help the person you are visiting share theirs, but you will need to listen closely.
Introduce an object to share: Offering (and perhaps reading aloud) a card, poem or scripture passage can be meaningful. Music CDs, photographs and customized books or booklets, like Facing Death: A Companion in Words and Images, may introduce the topic of life and death and give you something to talk about together. Choose such an item with care, think about what it means to you and be prepared to share that with the dying person.

There is a chance that however open you are, the person you are visiting may not pick up on the opportunity you try to offer. Don’t force the issue. Know that making the attempt is a good thing.

Of course, it must be admitted that if you open the way for sharing to happen, you may receive distressing feedback. For example, the person might admit that they are scared or angry. They might be sad enough that they start to cry.

If this happens, remember two things:

If intense feelings are expressed it will be because they are already there, just beneath the surface—you won’t have created them with your questions, you will just have allowed them to be voiced
Unless you really are a therapist, you don’t need to try to perform like one. Be clear that your “job” in relation to these intense feelings is just to witness them. A witness pays attention, notices what is happening and receives the information offered. A witness listens. A witness lets the other person know they have at least been heard.

Sometimes, a witness might say things like: “I don’t blame you for feeling that way” or “You’re right. It isn’t fair” or “I bet I’d feel the same thing, if I were you” or “Wow, that’s a lot to handle all at once”. Responses like these allow the person to have their feelings and to feel accepted with them. That may seem like a small thing but it is actually huge.

Being a friend, showing you care, letting the person who is dying know they are not alone: your visits can make a difference. Keep your mind on the person and the relationship you have shared. The rest will come.